Christian Aerobics, and other things to do before reaching Hell

One of the delights of the modern age is the act of surfing randomly round the internet, seeing what surprises there are in store. Things you’ve never thought of, but strike you as comedy genius on discovery.
Y’know, like Christian Aerobics LP covers

Christian Aerobics

and the people who collect them.

It even happens with Christian writers sometimes, too. Every now and then I peruse Brant Hansen’s site. (The man with the greatest post-categories I’ve ever seen). Some of his stuff is great, but a lot of it bugs me, so it’s not been a regular read to date. I discovered one post yesterday however that I thought needed sharing.

In the spirit of the plagiarism that the UK’s most celebrated psychologist has engaged in, I’m going to reproduce it (almost) in full – but if you don’t like that, here’s the link to the original.

A list of things you can do, and still go to hell.

“Be a scripture memorizer
Go to church camp
Teach Sunday School
Be a brilliant theologian
Lead the Cookies-for-Newcomers ministry
Think you’re pre-destined for Heaven
Listen to Christian radio
Work in Christian radio
Lead “powerful worship”
Preach the Word
Be a missionary in Africa
Be involved in a small group
Stand for Justice and Peace
Vote pro-life
Go to seminary
Pray for the President
Have a brilliant, theologically-astute understanding of Grace
Talk to people about Christ
Say the sinner’s prayer
Speak in tongues

Wear a WWJD? bracelet
Be an elder in your church
Argue with your teacher about evolution
Lead family devotions
Argue theology on your blog
Argue theology on this blog
Take a Stand for prayer in school
Start a hip, organic church
Substitute the word “poop” for the word “shit”
“Take” or “receive” “communion” every week, month, quarter, or year, without fail
Come forward at church camp
Take a Stand for Truth in the face of the alarmingly-relativist “emergent” church
Place sticker of fish, preferably eating Darwin fish, on car
Confidently trace your church’s lineage back to Peter
Read Max Lucado
Actually want to read Max Lucado
Be sure you’re Elect
Suspect you’re cool because you sure no one’s Elect
Read the Bible a lot
Argue that drinking alcohol would ruin your “witness”
Sing the right words to “Shout to the Lord”, unapologetically, unlike those rassemfrassems on American Idol.  Sheesh.
Rue those new choruses that lack deep theology
Be transparent about your shortcomings on your kampy blog
Be baptized
Know the guitar chords for all the Chris Tomlin songs
Personally baptize Chris Tomlin
Sponsor a child through Compassion International
Steer clear of R-rated movies
Homeschool your children
Mail only Christmas cards with baby Jesus in it, and a scripture
Look like Jesus with a beard and stuff
Be a member of Promise Keepers
Be a member of Sojourners
Be a Prophetic Voice
Be a counsellor at a Billy Graham Crusade
Wear “Lord’s Gym” t-shirts
Organize VBS
Work at Focus on the Family
Share openly at Small Group
Tsk tsk Harry Potter
Know who Priscilla and Aquilla are
Know who DeGarmo and Key are
Watch, repeatedly, “The Passion of the Christ”
Force your kids to watch, repeatedly, “The Passion of the Christ”
Go to confession
Eschew the banalities of commercial Christian culture and refuse to listen to Michael W. Smith, instead opting for Sufjan Stevens and U2 and — maybe — Mat Kearney
Bemoan the secularization of Christmas
Be a key member of a church that offers solid, Biblical teaching — none of that namby-pamby stuff
Be the pastor who offers solid, Biblical teaching — none of that namby-pamby stuff
Cheer for Hannity
Boo Colmes
Give the neighbourhood kids “Cross-Pops” (TM) candy for Halloween
Talk about how spiritually lame you are all the time
Lead your neighbours to Christ
“Study to show yourself approved”
Be correct about every.  single.  thing.
“Know”, theologically, that this post is correct, too, but live as if it weren’t!”

How many did you tick off?

2 thoughts on “Christian Aerobics, and other things to do before reaching Hell

  1. Christine says:


    Nice to look at the list of all the things we can do & still go to hell! I agree.

    Now what are those things that will make you go to heaven??

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